Harry's Joke Page

You want Jokes?

We Got Jokes!

I have been receiving these goofy jokes for a long time. enjoy!

Click here for Presidential humor	Click here for Poopie humor
Click here for "a guy walks in" humor	Click here for "what do you get" humor

Beware of the following new viruses: (as Recently seen on the Computer Chronicles)

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but complains
loudly about foreign software.

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't
do anything.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to mysteriously
reappear a year later in another directory.

OJ SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your
system, but you just can't prove it.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files reported as the same size.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This virus doesn't horse around. Warns
you of impending attack:
Once if by LAN, twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Doesn't identify itself as a
"virus" -- instead, refers to itself as an "electronic
microorganism."

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system
just before the whole thing quits.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Thier is sumtheng rong with yure coputter,
but yue cant fugyur outt watt!!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file in
your computer.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up and the screen
splits in half with the same message appearing on each side.
The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused
by the other side.

AMERICAN AIRLINES VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is
in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying
its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your program stops running every few minutes to
ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy...then
self-destructs, only to surface at shopping malls, coffee
shops, and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a shredder.

SEARS AUTOMOTIVE VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy
new cables, battery and shocks.

HEALTH CARE SYSTEM VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds
nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While
he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the
coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to
his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my
dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
Back to top..

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into
labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No!
This is her husband!"

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him
and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping
a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The
teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."

     An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who
had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the
husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a
skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman
in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have
sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
      "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel
that way.   After all, he just told me he thinks you have a really nice ass."

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3 am and says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway really pissed. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store to get cigarettes, like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder.

"You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

Back to top.. Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day.
One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the
end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey,we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700 - $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asked the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving, the contractor said,"$2700." The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri."
Back to top..

    This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a
friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing
in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da
Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a
glancing blow -- and is thrown, ass-over-teakettle, to the side of the
tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some
bruises.

     After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the
tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and
proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of
metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's
happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

     The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
small!."

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead,
and the other a blonde from Kentucky.

     The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner
asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted
..... Ready ..... Aim ...!! Suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!"
Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.

     So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She
said no, and the executioner shouted .... Ready ... Aim ....!! And suddenly
the redhead yelled .... "TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and looked around.
She escaped.

     Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward
and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the
executioner shouted ...... Ready .... Aim ...!! And the blonde yelled,
"FIRE!"

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon.
When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called
her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
"Well, darling," said her Mom, "how was the honeymoon?"

     "Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we
returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never
heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come
get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!"

And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"

     "I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful!
COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"

     "Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset...
Tell mother the 4-letter words!"

     Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like:
DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK

     Steve is shopping for a new motercycle. He finally finds one for a great
price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear
vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents.
He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for
him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, dont say a word." She
tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We
havent done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do
them."
     Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes
are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word.
So Steve decided to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws
her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His
girlfriend is a little flustered, her Dad is obviously livid, and her Mom
is horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minuets later he grabs her Mom, throws her on the table and does a
repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her Dad is boiling,
and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence
at the table.
     All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of
vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from
the table and screams,
"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FREAKEN DISHES

One day, Pete complained to his friend Woody,
"Man, my elbow really hurts. I guess I should go see a doctor."
Woody said, "Don't do that!!.. There's a computer at the
corner drug store that can diagnose anything quicker
and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of
your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem
and tell you what you can do about it and it only cost 10 bucks."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar
with his urine sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights
started to flash. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read:
       YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW.
       SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER.
       AVOID HEAVY LABOR .
       WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new
technology was and how it would change medical science
forever, Pete began to wonder if this computer could be
fooled... He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from
his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer.
Giggling like a giddy teenager, he poured in the sample
and deposited 10 bucks. The machine again made the usual
noises and printed out the following analysis:
                    YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD.
                      GET A WATER SOFTENER.
                    YOUR DOG HAS RINGWORM.
                      BATHE HIM WITH ANTI-FUNGAL SHAMPOO.
                    YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING COCAINE.
                      PUT HER IN A REHABILITATION CLINIC.
                    YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWIN GIRLS.
                      THEY AREN'T YOURS. GET A LAWYER.
                    AND IF YOU DON'T STOP MASTURBATING,
                      YOUR TENNIS ELBOW WILL NEVER GET
                      BETTER. . . . .
Back to top..

An Australian businessman on his way home from work stops at a flower
stand and decides to buy a bunch for his wife. His wife much appreciates
this little gesture of affection and the following day decides to do something
nice in return. At about the time he's due home she strips off, covers herself
in honey, gets down on all fours and waits patiently by the door. The husband
opens the door, sees his wife pointing north with her delightful naked bottom
in the air and exclaims, " What's going on?" She turns her head and purrs,
"It's for the flowers!"

He looks a bit confused at this and replies, "Don't we have a vase?"
Back to top..

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't
have
any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to
this parrot?"
        "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
        "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood
what I said and answered me."
        "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent,
thoroughly educated bird."
        "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"
        "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you
asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar,
kind
of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."
        "Wow," he says, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"
        "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought
to buy me. I am a great companion." The guy looks at the price tag, $200.
        He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the
guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You
can get me for $20, just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks
out with the parrot.
        Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting,
he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice.
The guy's delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot
says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close
to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the
parrot,
"but it's about your wife and the mailman..."
        "What?" says the guy. "What?"
        "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your
wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
        "What happened then?" asks the guy.
        "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and
began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
        "My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?"
        "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick
her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..." The
parrot pauses for a long time ...
        "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the Parrot, "my dick got hard and I fell off my perch."

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive
by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a
man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking
in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse
and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill, "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied,
"My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about it for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow
your dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar,
but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."

So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's
the name of your penis?"

The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you
tell me the name of your penis."

So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to
left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."

The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes
a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a
fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his
right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job
1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims,
"The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why secret?"

The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a
woman!"

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign
saying,"Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money
so he decides to go see what's up.

He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5
bucks each?"

The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The
farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."

So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter -
that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter
and jelly apples."

The farmer tells the man to turn it around.

The man bites the other side and exclaims "Son of a gun - jelly!"
The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road
and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over,
goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bite and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy
then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around."

The farmer says "You got it."

The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man
says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes
upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really
wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes
up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks
each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples taste like pussy. Here, try
one."

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes
like shit."

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"
Back to top..

What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull.

What's the quietest place in the world?
The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.

THINGS NOT TO DO IN THE NUDE

10. Fry bacon
   9. Arc weld
   8. Bathe a CAT
   7. Operate a snow blower
   6. Clear a patch of poison ivy
   5. Insulate the attic with fiberglass
   4. Operate a lathe
   3. Present a children's television show
   2. Take Mass with the Pope

And the Number 1 thing not to do in the nude:

1. Pick up a dime from a San Francisco sidewalk
Back to top..

The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie
   The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the
toilet.

Clean Poopie
    The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is
nothing on the
     toilet paper.

Wet Poopie
    The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so
you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you
won't stain
them.

Second Wave Poopie
    This happens when you're done Poopie-ing and you have pulled up your pants
to your knees .......    and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop-a-vein in your forehead Poopie
       The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a
stroke.

Gassy Poopie
     Its so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.

Drinker Poopie
      The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
The most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Lincon Log Poopie
      The kind of poopie that is so huge youre affraid to flush without first
breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Corn Poopie
    Self explanatory.

Gee I Wish I Could Poopie-Poopie
      The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet
and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie
      That where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving
you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie,(The Power Dump)
     The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed
with toilet water.

Liquid Poopie
     The kind where yellowish brown liquis shoots out of your butt and
splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie
     It smells so bad your nose burns.

The Suprise Poopie
     Your not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but
oops.....a poopie!

The Dangling Poopie
     This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are
done poopie-ing it.
   You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
Back to top..

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one
of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the President
"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about
it?" the aide asks. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
Back to top..

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire
walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs
Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The
stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw out the first
PITCH!'"
Back to top..

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's
specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish with a side vegetable.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods.
"And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
Back to top..

Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.
Back to top..

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Back to top..

Quayle, Gingrich, and Clinton are traveling in a car together in the
midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses
them thousands of yards away. When they come to and extract themselves
from the vehicle, they realize they're in the Land of Oz. They decide to go
see the Wizard of Oz.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain!"
Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart!"
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
Back to top..

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road,
when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed
into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer,after seeing
what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded
to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed
bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then
asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer
replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know
how them politicians lie."

More to come soon....Maybe with a little organization. Got a good one you would like to share? drop me a line at [email protected]